Gaze at the Scenes of Debauchery Read online

  “Yet you drag that Yan Han with you?”

  Wen Qing lit up a cigarette in slight irritation.

  “How could I possibly want to drag him with me? I don’t even have enough time to escape. You should find someone as soon as possible. Don’t stay single anymore.”

  “You’ve never listened to my words either, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

  Wen Qing pinched out his cigarette and turned around to leave.

  —

  The pouring rain outside felt like shards of ice.

  Chapter 40

  * * *

  Wen Qing stayed and waited at the hotel for three days before he took initiative and phoned Yan Han.

  “What do you want?”

  “Did you ask the same question when you went to find Wen Bai to lend you money?”

  Wen Qing coldly laughed, “You’re a good friend of ten odd years, how could I compare you to Wen Bai?”

  Wen Qing discovered that his patience was wearing thin when it came to Yan Han.

  Back then when they were living together, he could still feign ignorance about his affairs and greet him with a smile despite having to see him everyday. Yet, now that he hadn’t seen him for such a long time, his patience hadn’t accumulated a single bit. Instead, he said whatever came to mind with bitter sarcasm.

  “Why can’t it just be that I simply wanted to help you?”

  “Ha, do you even believe that yourself?”

  Yan Han asked in reply, “Didn’t you say I was selfish?”

  Wen Qing smoked his cigarette, unwilling to continue the conversation.

  Yan Han didn’t say anything either and remained silent.

  Wen Qing listened to the sound of Yan Han breathing and felt irritated for some unknown reason, “Just what do you want? I’m going to hang up if you don’t say anything.”

  Yan Han merely asked Wen Qing a single question, “Do you think I ever loved you?”

  Wen Qing didn’t reply.

  Yan Han faintly laughed softly, “I’ve recently been constantly thinking about this question. I thought about the twelve years we’ve been together for and I can’t even be sure of the answer myself anymore.”

  “I think I’m pretty selfish too, but Wen Qing, come back.”

  Wen Qing held the cigarette between his fingers and took a long drag as he squinted his eyes, “Okay. I’ll come back.”

  Wen Qing could almost feel Yan Han’s joy through the phone.

  Wen Qing hung up with no sentimental attachment.

  —

  People. Are they not all such self-humiliating bastards?

  He had to completely wreck the feelings he had harboured for more than ten years before he was willing to give up, and it just had to be in the name of something like love too.

  —

  One did not bring such things with them upon birth, nor could one take it with them past death’s door, and so he could ruin it however he liked. Didn’t he obtain three million dollars in the end anyways?

  Wen Qing laughed.

  —

  His mind felt itchy and painful, as if it was being pricked by needles.

  And it cut at his convulsing heart.

  Chapter 41

  * * *

  Wen Qing returned to that place.

  The place he had once lived in and called home for twelve years.

  —

  Wen Qing told Yan Han that he wanted to take a trip back to County S.

  Yan Han quietly gazed at Wen Qing, “Do you have something you need to go back and grab? There’s no need for such trouble, I can just buy it for you.”

  Wen Qing shook his head. “I’ve already made a promise with you. Are you still scared that I’ll run away?”

  “Yes.” The other man nodded his head honestly.

  “I won’t run away.” Wen Qing held a cigarette between his fingers and took a drag, “My shop is still back there. I need to hand it over to Han Wei and leave her with a few words.”

  Yan Han met Wen Qing’s eyes. Upon seeing the persistence in the other’s eyes, Yan Han took a step back, “Okay. I’ll go together with you.”

  Wen Qing smoked his cigarette and nodded his head.

  —

  When Han Wei saw Wen Qing, her lips formed a huge smile, “You’re back, Wen Ge?” She then saw the man standing behind Wen Qing and gasped in surprise.

  Wen Qing looked at Yan Han and then at Han Wei, “What?”

  “Do you two know each other, boss?”

  “Yeah, what’s the matter?”

  Han Wei tilted her head and laughed, “This customer comes to our shop almost every Saturday to buy two serves of tiramisu. So it turns out that he was looking after your business.”

  Wen Qing nodded his head carelessly before he made his way upstairs to his bedroom,

  —

  Yan Han stood outside the bedroom door.

  Wen Qing lifted his head and took shot him a glimpse, “Why aren’t you coming inside?”

  Yan Han laughed, “I still remember that you don’t like other people randomly coming into your room.”

  “I’m not so finicky. Come in.” The corners of Wen Qing’s mouth lifted into a cold smile.

  —

  Back then when he first got together with Yan Han, there was one time when Yan Han went to have a look at his rented house. He toured him around all the rooms except for his own bedroom,

  At the time, Yan Han had hugged him from behind and asked, “Why aren’t you showing me your bedroom?”

  He had frowned and said, “I don’t really like other people going inside.”

  In the end, Yan Han still stayed over and slept in his bedroom. Later when they acquired their own home, he never thought of buying a place for himself.

  —

  The current situation… ha… it felt like it had become some sort of respectful charity work. Or perhaps even ingratiation?

  Wen Qing packed up a few items. He searched through the cupboard for some stuff such as bills and contracts.

  Yan Han stood to the side and sized up the room,

  There were only simple necessities. It was so simple to the point where it seemed sort of destitute.

  Yan Han looked at the bed.

  It was a double bed, yet there was only one pillow.

  —

  Would Wen Qing also wake up in the middle of the night like he had for the past three years and begin to stare blankly at the empty bedside?

  Was there ever a split second where Wen Qing wanted to return to his side?

  Chapter 42

  * * *

  Wen Qing finished packing his stuff and looked at Yan Han, “You can just sit here and wait. I’ll go downstairs and talk over a few things with Han Wei.”

  Yan Han raised a brow, “I can’t listen to it?”

  Wen Qing’s eyes were filled with raw irritation, “I’ve never seen you be so meddlesome three years ago. You can sit and wait if you wish, if not, then you can leave.”

  Yan Han remained silent and rubbed his nose before awkwardly taking a seat.

  —

  Wen Qing ignored him and went downstairs to find Han Wei.

  He handed Han Wei the pile of stuff in his hands.

  “Wen Ge?” Han Wei was slightly confused.

  “I’m just coming back for a visit today. I’ll be leaving shortly. Here, take these things and help me look after the shop.”

  “Then when are you coming back?”

  Wen Qing lit a cigarette, “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?”

  “I paired up with some other people to go on a budget travel around the world. I might even die on the road.” Wen Qing breathed out a mouthful of smoke.

  “Don’t say stuff like that Wen Ge.” Han Wei glared at Wen Qing, “Tell me your card number so I can pay you back the money in installments.”

  “That can wait until later. I’m not desperate for the money. You should slowly start to save up.”

  “Just give me yo
ur card number. Who knows, maybe you just so happen to need the money I transfer into your account while you’re travelling.”

  Wen Qing used his free hand to stroke Han Wei’s nose, “Silly girl, I wasn’t the one who lent you the money. That friend of mine is not short on cash, so we’ll talk about this when I come back next time. You just need to keep an eye on the shop while I’m away.”

  Han Wei lifted her head up and looked at Wen Qing, “Will you come back?”

  Wen Qing laughed and ruffled Han Wei’s hair, “Are you seriously hoping for me to die on the road?”

  As he spoke, Wen Qing heard Yan Han coming down the stairs.

  Wen Qing looked at Han Wei and smiled, “Dear, you have to take good care of yourself when I’m away, and get yourself married as soon as possible.”

  Han Wei’s face turned red, “I know! We’ll see about that after you come back alive first!”

  “What are you two so excitedly chatting about?” Yan Han walked over to them with a smile.

  Wen Qing’s smile faded slightly, “Nothing. It’s getting late now, we should leave.”

  Yan Han lifted the corners of his lips and nodded.

  Han Wei gazed at the back of Wen Qing’s figure as he walked out of the door and suddenly felt anxious.

  She shouted loudly, “Wen Ge!”

  Wen Qing halted his steps and turned back to look at her. Yan Han stopped as well.

  “You’ll come back, right?”

  Wen Qing didn’t reply and merely laughed. It was as though Han Wei had asked an unnecessary question.

  —

  Yeah, hadn’t she already asked him once before?

  Of course Wen Ge was going to come back.

  Chapter 43

  * * *

  Wen Qing gazed out of the window as he sat in the car.

  Yan Han glimpsed at Wen Qing, “Why didn’t you answer that girl’s question just then?”

  “What did you want me to say?”

  Yan Han replied with another question, “Then what did you want to say?”

  “I don’t know.” After he finished speaking, Wen Qing closed his eyes and leaned back on the car cushion, emanating an aura that signaled he didn’t want to talk.

  Yan Han looked at Wen Qing with a forced smile and stopped disturbing him.

  Just when Yan Han thought Wen Qing had already fallen asleep, Wen Qing suddenly said, “If you ever get together with someone else, can you let me go?”

  “So did you really think you could hide away from me for as long as three years?”

  No one talked in the car.

  It felt like someone was inside Wen Qing’s brain and stirring up his mind with a stick. Wen Qing clenched his teeth harshly.

  —

  As soon as they got back, Wen Qing ran to the bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet as he threw up violently.

  It wasn’t until he vomited up bile that he felt a little better.

  Wen Qing leaned against the ice cold wall. His face was pale and his teeth constantly chattered.

  Yan Han handed Wen Qing a cup of warm water before caressing his forehead, “Do you want to call a doctor?”

  Wen Qing shook his head, “No need.” It was only after he grabbed the water and rinsed his mouth did the bitter taste in his mouth fade away slightly.

  Yan Han wanted to lift Wen Qing up but Wen Qing tilted his head back and leaned against the wall with his eyes closed, “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine after I lean back for a while.”

  Yan Han didn’t reply and silently stood to the side.

  Wen Qing counted a few seconds in his head. He then took in a deep breath to stop himself from bursting out with strings of curses as he opened his eyes to look at Yan Han.

  Yan Han bent down and lifted Wen Qing up, “You’ll catch a cold on the floor.”

  Wen Qing almost couldn’t hold in his laugh.

  —

  Yan Han’s hand caressed Wen Qing’s waist when they slept at night.

  Wen Qing shuffled over more to the edge of the bed. However, Yan Han’s movements didn’t cease as his hand travelled down past Wen Qing’s abdomen.

  Wen Qing stopped Yan Han’s hand, “Let’s do it another day, I don’t feel well.”

  Yan Han paused before he replied, “Now that you’re back, you can stop acting pretentious.”

  Wen Qing’s mind instantly went blank as waves of thundering sounds constantly resounded beside his ear.

  Wen Qing let go of the other’s hand and allowed Yan Han to do as he pleased.

  Yan Han had been sexually abstinent for three years, and so he was slightly out of control with the strength of his movements. Wen Qing bit down on his bottom lip and did not make a single sound.

  —

  In the end, the man contently carried Wen Qing to go wash up, without discovering that Wen Qing didn’t even get turned on that night.

  Chapter 44

  * * *

  Recently, Wen Qing seemed constantly weary. He liked to be left alone, and would sit on the balcony and smoke cigarette after cigarette.

  Yan Han thought he had to do something and so he presented Wen Qing with a photobook today.

  Wen Qing took the book. It was Klein’s ‘New York’.

  Wen Qing looked towards Yan Han and raised his brow.

  “Do you like it?” Yan Han inquired with a gentle voice.

  Wen Qing nodded his head and remained silent.

  “You don’t seem very happy these days.”

  Wen Qing held the cigarette in his mouth between his two fingers and replied, “I’m fine.”

  “What do you want to eat?”

  “Anything’s fine.” Wen Qing took the photobook and walked towards the study room.

  Yan Han gazed at the back of Wen Qing’s figure and narrowed his eyes.

  He was doing it on purpose. Why couldn’t things be the same as they were before? Was it because the other hadn’t forgiven him yet?

  Didn’t he already agree to come back?

  —-

  “Yan ZiChen is visiting tomorrow,” Yan Han suddenly announced at the dinner table.

  Wen Qing’s body stiffened before he said in a composed manner, “Why?”

  “I won’t be at home tomorrow. I thought you might get bored by yourself so I asked him to come and make desserts with you.”

  Wen Qing lifted the corners of his lips, “Okay.”

  —-

  When Yan Han slept with Wen Qing at night, Wen Qing bit down on his lower lip until a rivulet of dark red gradually trickled down.

  Yan Han eased his movements and slowly rocked his hips.

  He bent down and gently licked Wen Qing’s lips as he grazed past Wen Qing’s teeth, “You’re bleeding. Be good now and let go.”

  Wen Qing shut his eyes tightly as though he didn’t hear the other.

  Yan Han furrowed his brows and harshly thrusted at Wen Qing’s sweet spot.

  “Ugh—“ Wen Qing couldn’t help but whimper.

  “Be good. Stop biting.”

  Wen Qing tightened his grip on the bedsheets before he stopped biting down on his lower lip.

  Yan Han placed Wen Qing’s hands on his back, “Hug me.”

  —-

  Wen Qing’s eyes were slightly out of focus.

  He felt as though he was sinking in the sea, buried inside a stretch of azure blue, all alone and helpless.

  Chapter 45

  * * *

  On the sofa in the living room….

  It was obvious that Yan ZiChen felt slightly awkward as he sat there.

  Three years ago in the exact same spot, he had once sat beside Yan Han and cheerfully chatted with laughter.

  Wen Qing squinted his eyes as he sized up Yan ZiChen.

  Three years had allowed the boy in front of him to mature quite a bit. He didn’t seem so shy and easily flushed anymore.

  “How have you been these days?” Even Wen Qing thought it was funny how he had to be the one to break the awkward silence with someone who was me
ant to keep him entertained.

  Yan ZiChen nodded his head, “Not bad. Right now, I’m staying at school to teach after I graduate. I still sometimes go back to that shop to make desserts.” He paused and glimpsed at Wen Qing, “What about you Wen Ge?”

  Wen Qing drank a mouthful of boiled water in the cup, “How well could I possibly be? Is merely living not enough?”

  Yan ZiChen frowned, “Wen Ge, don’t be like this.”

  Wen Qing gently blew on the hot water. Shrouds of vapour enwrapped his surroundings as he waited for Yan ZiChen to continue.

  “Yan Ge really treats you well. Three years ago… he didn’t actually have any feelings for me.” Yan ZiChen lowered his eyes.

  Wen Qing sneered, “You’ve already slept together and you’re still saying there are no feelings involved?”

  “No no, that’s not it. I was the one who went to find Yan Ge that day.” Yan ZiChen tightened his fist, “The day you went to City H, Yan Ge had already told me that it was impossible between us. I… I wasn’t willing to let go.”

  Wen Qing lifted the corners of his lips and signalled Yan ZiChen to continue.

  Yan ZiChen gulped, “Yan Ge went to find you at the photography exhibition the very next day, but he later came back alone. I thought that something might have happened between the two of you…,” Yan ZiChen lowered his head, “So I thought I still had a chance. I went to find Yan Ge that night. It seemed like Yan Ge was in a very bad mood. When we did it… it felt more like he was venting out his anger. And then you came back.”

  Wen Qing narrowed his eyes as he smoked a cigarette, at a loss of words.

  “It’s been three years. Yan Ge has been single this entire time because he’s been waiting for you to come back.” There were even slights hints of solicitation in Yan ZiChen’s eyes.

  Wen Qing placed the cup onto the coffee table and looked at Yan ZiChen, “Are you here to be a lobbyist?”